Friday, December 18, 2009

It's not easy being Magical

Though I do try.

Strongly aware of the great negativity I have previously displayed toward letters in the Straits Times Forum, I decided to turn my supernatural powers away from carping (no offence, fishfolk) and toward improving matters. Specifically, I attempted to perform Magical Mind Manipulation (MMM) on the Straits Times Forum editors, to influence their selection of letters for the better.

MMM is a capability enabled by splicing into the subject a mutant genetic sequence based on DNA extracted from the body of one Lee Kuan Yew. Here at Farmland LabsTM we believe we have isolated the biological basis for this man's unparalleled ability to invisibly control the decisions of media makers with infinite precision and against all ordinary standards of professional journalistic and editorial judgment.

Empowered by this new technology, I set about Magically transmitting messages to the Singapore Press Holdings offices. Publish something useful for a change. Publish something interesting for a change. Publish something which stirs socially meaningful and productive conversation for a change. Go on! You know you want to!

Unfortunately, researchers and practitioners of Magical Chickenhood note that when transplanted into beings other than Harry Lee, this capability doesn't always work so well, so I was also eager to cover my tracks, lest the newspaper hamfistedly reveal that its content derives directly from Magical Chicken propaganda. There is no Magical Chicken. You will not include the Chicken. You will omit the Chicken. There is no discernible Chicken content.

I'm afraid there were crossed wires somewhere and the results were less than spectacular:
THE other day, I had dinner at the Plaza Singapura branch of PastaMania. We could not really see the meals on the menu, since the pictures were all thumbnail size, but I ordered the pasta chicken bolognese, which was described as shredded chicken with pasta in a bolognese sauce.

When the dish arrived, it soon dawned on me that there was no discernible chicken. I saw a number of whitish specks mixed into the sauce, which I assumed was the chicken. But since most were the size of a pinhead, the overall chicken content was negligible.

I thought there had been a mistake during preparation and carried my plate to the counter. However, I was told the specks comprised the actual amount of chicken served.

This I find unacceptable. The tiny amount of chicken offered by PastaMania is pathetic. To all intents and purposes, the pasta chicken bolognese is a plate of pasta and sauce - an overpriced plate of pasta and sauce.

I ask PastaMania to look at what it offers its customers and not have them leave with an unpleasant dining experience and a feeling of being short-changed.

Bryan Norman
An unfortunate experiment, but at least now you know why this trivial piece of garbage warranted space in a national newspaper. It was MMM gone wrong. I'm sorry, everyone.


  1. So it was all your fault! I blame you for the stupid letter, no alpaca wool this Christmas for you!

    - Angry Alpaca.

  2. No alpaca wool???

    It was an honest mistake! :(

    Sad Chicken.


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